


Romeo and Juliet, Hogwarts' Style

by flyingskull



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: M/M, Parody, Pastiche, Penguins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-01 03:20:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5190167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingskull/pseuds/flyingskull
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pastiche-parody-fusion following Shakespeare's play. Also penguins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: Methought of a great idea! Why not utterly desecrate Shakespeare for one of my ignoble pastiches and spoofs? Why not indeed. So I'm rewriting Romeo and Juliet. It's all William's fault! 'My only love sprung from my only hate'...! C'mon! Who can resist it? I can't. I had a long debate about who should be who, because, of course of the 'deny thy father' thingy, but in the end I couldn't resist Voldemort as Paris, so I think Romeo will hijack that particular piece of Juliet's rant and that will be that.
> 
> Well, I'm the parodist, I can do it.
> 
> I've also decided that Hogwarts will be all of Verona, because convenience and magic.
> 
> There'll be unabriged _and_ abriged Shakespearean verse (I've mangled quite a few) and lots of prose with thous and thees thrown in every now and then. To give it a _flavour_ , y'know?
> 
> And so, without further ado, let me present:

**THE PROLOGUE**

Eldritch smoke illuminated by eerie lights. Enter the Bloody Baron.

B. BARON  
_Two Houses, both alike in dignity  
Inside fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene…_

Yes, yes, I know there are four, but who cares about those bookworms Ravenclaws and those canon-fodder Hufflepuffs! (titters at own jest. coughs and regains his dignity)

_From ancient grudge break to new mutiny_  
Where schoolboy blood makes schoolboy hands unclean.  
Each House bred forth a champion of its values:  
Brave Gryffindors look up to dark-haired Harry,  
Bold as a lion, catching the snitch for victory  
While cunning Slytherins to Draco look  
Their precious prince of plans, pale haired and pointy.  
What trials befell those two and how it turned out  
We'll now show you. Prepare to shed your tears. 

**ACT I**

**A HALL IN HOGWARTS**

Crabbe and Goyle of the House Slytherin, to them Dean and Seamus of the House Gryffindor.

CRABBE  
I can abide everything but the House of Gryffindor.

GOYLE  
So can't I and if we meet them I'll show them what's what.

CRABBE  
Well, here's your chance.

GOYLE  
So I see, draw thy wand.

CRABBE  
'Tis out. But let _them_ begin hexing lest we lose house-points.

GOYLE  
I'll smirk and sneer at them and let them take that as they will.

CRABBE  
Nah. I'll thumb my nose at them, which will be a disgrace to them if they bear it. (thumbs nose)

SEAMUS  
Do you thumb your nose at us, Slytherin?

CRABBE  
Will I get detention if I say yes?

GOYLE  
Yes.

CRABBE  
Well, Gryffindor, I do not thumb my nose at you, but I do thumb my nose.

DEAN  
Excavating it, more like.

GOYLE  
Do you quarrel, Gryffindor?

DEAN  
Quarrel? Not at all.

CRABBE  
But if you do, I am for you. I study with as good a professor as you.

SEAMUS  
No better?

GOYLE  
Say 'better', here comes one of our best wands.

CRABBE  
Yes, much better!

DEAN  
You lie.

CRABBE  
Draw if you be men! Gregory, remember your knuckle-duster curse!

They hex like mad. Ron enters running followed by Blaise

RON  
Stop fools! Put up thy wands! There's professors around!

BLAISE  
_What? Art thou casting among those brainless dogs?  
Turn thee, Ron Weasel, and look upon your death._

RON  
_I do but keep the peace. Put down your wand._

BLAISE  
_Wand drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word_  
As I hate Light, all Gryffindors and thee.  
Have at thee, coward!

RON  
Coward? I'll show you coward, you Death Eater in Training!

The whole hall is lighted by hexes and curses. Enters Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE  
STOP THIS AT ONCE! Stop it I say! Read my lips! Watch my eyes! Do they twinkle? No. (the fight stops) That's better. I do not want to see more fights in my school or I shall personally cast Crucio on the lot of you! Now begone!

All exeunt, grumbling.

**GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM**

MCGONAGALL  
Mr Weasley, what started the fight?

RON  
It was those slimy Slytherins, professor! I tried to stop the fight but bloody Zabini called me a coward so I hexed him good. Bloody Death Eater in training.

MCGONAGALL  
Mr Weasley! Language!

RON  
Sorry.

MCGONAGALL  
I'd be thankful Harry wasn't in that fight, if I weren't so worried about him. He disappears! Stays locked in his room all day and prowls the grounds at night. He'll never become an Auror if he keeps neglecting his studies like this. Do you know what's troubling him?

RON  
No, but I'll make him tell me, ma'm. I'm his best friend, he can't hide from me.

MCGONAGALL  
Good boy. Now go and hound him until he spits it out.

**THE QUIDDITCH PITCH**

RON  
_Good morrow, Harry._

HARRY  
_Is the day so young?_

RON  
_But now struck nine._

HARRY  
_Ay me, sad hours seem so long._

RON  
_Tell me what sadness lengthens Harry's hours?_

HARRY  
_Not having that which, having, makes them short._

RON  
Huh?

HARRY  
_Not having…_ Oh, for goodness, sake! A girlfriend.

RON  
You're in love?

HARRY  
Out.

RON  
You're out of love?

HARRY  
_Out of her favour where I am in love._

RON  
Aaah! Cho's dumped you, then?

HARRY  
_She will not stay the siege of loving terms_  
Nor bid the encounter of assailing eyes  
Not ope her lap to saint-seducing gold…  
O, she is rich in beauty, what a crumpet!

RON  
Alright, mate, listen to me, there's plenty of other fishes in the sea.

HARRY  
But none as scrumptious as she.

RON  
Oy! What about my sister Ginny?

HARRY  
_Being thy sister, she is dear to me,_  
But love? She can't hold a candle  
To pert Cho Chang, Ravenclaw's guiding light.

RON  
But Ginny loves thee madly, and she's a Gryffindor and… Oh, alright. Come on, you'll find someone that will make thee forget that haughty beauty.

HARRY  
_Farewell, thou canst not teach me to forget._ (exits)

RON  
O bloody hell.

**SLYTHERIN HOUSE**

LUCIUS  
Look, if I am to be of any use in this school, I can't openly defy the Headmaster. We need to wait.

VOLDEMORT  
So be it. But what say you to my suit?

LUCIUS  
What I've said before, Lord. Draco is a child, he's still naïve and, for all his posturing, knows nothing of the world. Wait until he's seventeen and then give him the Mark.

VOLDEMORT  
_Younger than he are happy Death Eaters made._

LUCIUS  
_And too soon marr'd are those so early made._  
But woo him, gentle Riddle, get his heart,  
My will to his consent is but a part,  
And he agreed, within his scope of choice  
Lies my consent and fair according voice.  
Look, tonight we have a party in our common room and of course you're invited. There thou shall flit like a bee from flower to flower of slytherinhood and woo my son as thou seest fit. (summons house-elf)  
_Go, sirrah, trudge about,_  
Throughout fair Hogwarts, find these persons out  
Whose names are written here, and to them say:  
My House and welcome to their pleasure stay.

Lucius and Voldemort exeunt.

DOBBY  
I is ruined! Ruined, ruined, ruined! Poor Dobby was never taught to read by bad Malfoy masters! How is Dobby to go to persons if Dobby cannot read persons' names? Dobby must find Great Harry Potter and ask Noble Harry Potter to read names to Dobby or Dobby will be bad house elf and will have to punish himself! (pops out)

**ANOTHER HALL IN HOGWARTS**

RON  
Harry, will you stop brooding?

HARRY  
No. Brooding is my duty and pleasure.

RON  
Are you mad?

HARRY  
_Not mad but bound more than a madman is:_  
Shut up in prison, kept without my food,  
Whipped and tormented and… Good Lord it's worse than at the Dursleys! (Dobby pops in) Dobby! What do you want?

DOBBY  
Can the Great, Noble and Good Harry Potter read this for poor Dobby? Is list that bad professor Snape has made for party.

HARRY  
Alright, give here. Let's see… Nott, Bulstrode, Parkinson, Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle… why doesn't he shout the names in his common room? All Slytherins… no, wait. Boot, Smith, Lovegood, Cho! Chang! He's invited beauteous Cho! (sighs. Dobby pulls his robe) Oh yes, and Bones, Finch-Fletchley and McMillan. There you go, Dobby.

DOBBY  
Oh thank you Bounteous Harry Potter sir! Thank you! (pops out)

RON  
What a boot-licker!

HARRY  
(sighs) Choooooo…

RON  
Go to the party, then. Compare your Cho to the other beauties there and be heart-whole again.

HARRY  
What beauties? Millicent Bulstrode?

RON  
Well, Pansy Parkinson swings a mean robe… I mean, she's evil, but then, what a saucy Slytherin… I mean saucy in a very evil way, you know, I mean…

HARRY  
_I'll go along, not such sights to be shown_  
But to rejoice in splendour of my own. Oh, Cho!


	2. ACT I – scene III

NARCISSA  
_Severus, where's my son? Call him forth to me._

SNAPE  
Now, by my sorting at eleven I bade him come. What, lamb?! What, dragonbird!

DRACO  
_How now, who calls?_

SNAPE  
_Your mother._

DRACO  
Muu-um! Oh, alright, what is thy will?

NARCISSA  
This is the matter. Severus you know my son is almost of age…

SNAPE  
Faith, I can tell his age unto an hour.

NARCISSA  
He's not seventeen…

SNAPE  
_On Lammas Eve at night he'll be seventeen…_

Wait, is the fifth of June Lammas Eve? Could have sworn he was born on Lammas Eve, or perhaps the fifth of June, but whatever it is he'll be seventeen - I remember it well. Nay, I do bear a brain. I shall never forget it, of all the days of the year upon that day he was taught his first potion lesson five years after. The very day of his birth. You and Lucius were at Mantua… or was it Hogsmeade? I do bear a brain. And just the day before, pretty fool, he bruised his bottom, falling on't. And then the Dark Lord – ah but he is a merry man, he is! – took up the child. "Yea," quoth he, "dost thou fall upon thy back? Thou wilt fall facedown when thou hast more wit, wilt thou not, Dracy?"

_And by my holidame,  
the pretty wretch quit crying and said: "Ay."_

NARCISSA  
_Enough of this, I pray thee, hold thy peace._

SNAPE  
_Yes, Cissy, yet I cannot choose but laugh_  
To think it would leave crying and said: "Ay."  
"Yea," quoth the Dark Lord, "Falls't upon thy bottom?  
Thou wilt fall facedown when thou comest of age,  
Wilt thou not, Dracy?" It stinted and said: "Ay."

NARCISSA  
'Stinted'?

DRACO  
'IT'!?

SNAPE  
Stinted. It means he stopped crying. And yes, my poppet, children are referred to as 'it', live with it.

NARCISSA  
_And stint thou too, I pray thee, Snape, say I._

SNAPE  
_Peace, I have done. But mark thee well my words_  
Thou wast the prettiest babe that e'er I taught  
And I might live to see thee marked, Draco,  
I have my wish.

NARCISSA  
That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, my child.  
_How stands your disposition to be marked?_

DRACO  
_It is a honour that I dream not of._ [1]

NARCISSA  
Well, do dream of it now. There are many of your age already marked here at Hogwarts. The valiant Lord Voldemort seeks thou for his love.

SNAPE  
A man, young man, ay such a man… Why, he's a man of puissance!

NARCISSA  
Hogwarts' summer hath not such a flower.

SNAPE  
Ay, a flower, a very red-eyed flower of snakehood!

NARCISSA  
_What say you, can you love this Great Dark Lord?_

DRACO  
Er…

NARCISSA  
_This night you shall behold him at our feast:_  
Read o'er the volume of the Dark Lord's face  
Examine every marrèd lineament  
And see how one another lends content…

DRACO  
Er…

NARCISSA  
_That book in many eyes doth share the glory_  
That in gold clasps locks in the golden story.  
So shall you share all that he does possess.

DRACO  
Really? All? As in all _all_?

NARCISSA  
_Speak briefly, can you like the Dark Lord's love?_

DRACO  
_I'll look to like, if looking liking move._

 

**THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLYTHERIN HOUSE**

HARRY  
Are we supposed to say something when we go in?

RON  
_Nah, let them measure us by what they will_  
We'll measure them a measure and be gone.  
I just would love to dance with saucy Pansy...

HERMIONE  
Pardon?

RON  
In jest, sweet Hermione, I meant in jest! A jape, see? A merry jape of scorn against slimy Slytherins!

HERMIONE  
Alright, then.

HARRY  
I'm NOT dancing.

RON  
_Nay, grumpy Harry, we must have you dance._

HARRY  
I AM NOT DANCING! Hmph.  
_I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe  
Under love's heavy burden do I sink._

HERMIONE  
Oh please, Harry, do stop sulking. Love is a tender thing.

HARRY  
Not it very well is NOT. _It is too rough,  
too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorns._

HERMIONE  
_If love be rough with you be rough with love  
Prick love for pricking and you'll shag it down._

RON  
_Come, knock and enter, and no sooner in  
But every man betake him to his prick!_

Both Harry and Hermione give Ron a very pointed look.

RON  
What? Hermione's the only one who can do PR0N now?

HARRY  
I have a very bad feeling about this.

HERMIONE  
Why, may one ask?

HARRY  
I dreamt a dream tonight.

HERMIONE  
Was it a vision?

HARRY  
Yes. No. I dunno. It was a dream.

HERMIONE[2]  
_Oh, then I see Queen Mab has been with you._  
You know who Queen Mab is, don't you Harry?

HARRY  
Huh?

HERMIONE  
Oh, for goodness sake Harry! Thou still hast not read Hogwarts: a History, chapter forty-three, Hogwarts' Myths? Queen Mab is the fairies' midwife and she come drawn with a team of little atomi  
_over men's noses as they lie asleep.  
Her chariot is an empty hazelnut…_

RON  
(aside to Harry) She's off! Yoiks and tally ho.[3]

HARRY  
(Aside to Ron) God, but she never stops, does she?

RON  
(aside to Harry) Ay, mate. Same ol' Mione. Same ol' same ol'.

HERMIONE  
_… This is the hag, when maids sleep on their backs_  
That presses them and learns them first to bear  
Making them women of good carriage.  
This is she…

HARRY  
Peace, peace, Hermione, peace!

HERMIONE  
But Harry, thou needst to know such things for thy NEWTs!

RON  
Look, let's go in before we miss supper. We shall go too late!

HARRY  
_I fear too early, for my mind misgives_  
Some consequence yet hanging in the stars  
Shall bitterly begin this fearful date,  
With this night's revels and expire the term  
Of a despiséd life clos'd in my breast  
By some vile forfeit of untimely death.  
(sigh) Oh, well. On, lusty gentlemen!

HERMIONE  
Ahem.

HARRY  
And gentlewoman.

HERMIONE  
Good.

**SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM**

Party. Voldemort is leading Draco in a stately dance. Draco looks terminally bored.

HARRY  
(smitten) I never saw Malfoy dance! Holy mother of...! What grace, what elegance, what hair! What a hunk! Boy, does his face change when he's not sneering. I never expected him to be so scrunchy yummy. Oh, I am smitten! Cupid's wayward arrow has pierced my heart. By Merlin's beard, he lights up the room. I must dance with him. NOW!

BLAISE  
_This, by his voice, should be a Gryffindor._  
Fetch me my wand, elf! What, dares this slave  
Come hither and grab our lovely Ice Prince?  
Now by the stock and honour of my House  
To hex him stupid I hold not a sin.

SNAPE  
What's the matter with you, now?

BLAISE  
That's a bloody Gryffindor!

SNAPE  
Ah, yes. Young Potter.

BLAISE  
That's him, the villain Potter.

SNAPE  
Don't get your knickers in a twist, Zabini. I don't want hexes flying during a ball in honour of the Dark Lord. Be patient and we'll get him in potion class.

BLAISE  
But…

SNAPE  
Am I the Head of House here or you? Go to, saucy boy! You must obey. Leave that egomaniacally self-centred Boy Who Annoyed alone!

BLAISE  
Grrr.

Harry has slammed Draco against a wall and now stands nose to nose with him.[4]

HARRY  
(breathing heavily)  
_If I profane with my unworthiest nose_  
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:  
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand  
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

DRACO  
(smirking)  
_Good pilgrim you do wrong your nose too much_  
Which mannerly devotion shows in this:  
For saints've noses that pilgrim's noses touch  
And nose to nose is holy penguin's kiss.

HARRY  
(blinks, then hesitantly)  
_Have not saints lips, and holy penguins too?_

DRACO  
_Actually not, for penguins have thin beaks._

HARRY  
Um… that was not supposed to go like that, you know?

DRACO  
Your problem, Scarface, my line of the sonnet scans.

HARRY  
Oh. Ah. Er… 

DRACO  
VERY eloquent.

HARRY  
(gritting his teeth) _Well, then you're not a saint and let lips do  
What noses do, lest love turn to despair._

DRACO  
Nice save! (smiles sunnily)  
_Even not saints can grant for prayer's sake._

HARRY  
_Then move not while my prayer's effect I take._

They snog passionately.

SNAPE  
Draco! Your mother wants a word.

DRACO  
Oh blast. (follows Snape)

RON  
_Away! Be gone! The sport is at its best!_

HERMIONE  
Parkinson slapped you silly, didn't she?

RON  
Heh...

HARRY  
Bloody hell, Ron, you have lousy timing.

HERMIONE  
Come on, Harry, Zabini is giving us very foul looks.

HARRY  
So?

HERMIONE  
You can't duel in the midst of a party, Harry. Dost try and thinkst.

Hermione and Ron drag Harry away.

DRACO  
_My only love sprung from my only hate._  
Too early seen unknown[5] and known too late.  
Prodigious birth of love it is to me  
That I must love a loathéd enemy.

**END OF ACT I**

 

NOTES  
1 - I _love_ the ambiguity of this, don't you? Marked for married was too much to resist, BTW, also apt. Oh and I made a very Shakespearian pun in Narcissa's line 'examine every marréd lineament': Willy says married, of course, but this being Voldie I thought that marred was the better word. *G*  
2 - The interminable Queen Mab monologue is why I decided that Hermione would be Mercutio. Pity. I adore Mercutio, but that monologue is Shakespeare at his worst: boring and unfunny. Possibly a good actor can make it bearable, but it's uphill work. See? I mistreat even the author I love best in the world.  
3 - Fox hunters' cries.  
4 - Erm... okay, this is a vile vile parody of the famous 'palmer' sonnet Romeo and Juliet exchange at the ball. My problem is that, like Oscar Wilde, I can't resist temptations and I was SO tempted by silliness here.  
5 - Well, methinks this refers to their first meeting at Madam Malkin's, y'know? Draco saw Harry too early because you can't really have a love story at eleven. And now he knows Harry is a good snogger and has some wit so now he _knows_ the real Harry too late after the hate. I'm good at fanwanking Shakespeare, amn't I?

Gah, I explain too much, don't I?


	3. ACT II

B. BARON  
 _Now old desire doth on his deathbed lie  
And young affection gapes to be his heir:  
The fair, for which love groaned and would not die,  
With pointy Draco match'd is now not fair.  
Now fickle Harry spurns girls for a guy   
With silver eyes, dry wit and shiny hair.  
Being held a foe he may not have access  
To breathe such vows as lovers use to swear;  
Draco, as much in love, his means much less  
To meet his new beloved anywhere;  
But passion lends them power, time means to meet  
Tempering extremities with extreme sweet  
And giving wings to the bright fluffy dove  
Of their most famous tragic emo love._

**CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLYTHERIN HOUSE**

Harry alone

HARRY  
 _Can I go Gryffinwards when my heart is here?_  
Thank Merlin I brought my Invisible Cloak with me. I must try and get into the Slytherin dorms and see my pointy love again. Oh, he is fair! And witty! And sexy! And obsessed with penguins which are almost impossible to fit into a sonnet. Woe! (dons Invisible Cloak)

Enter Ron and Hermione 

RON  
Harry! Harry!

HERMIONE  
He's probably gone to bed.

RON  
No, I saw him coming back here. What's he doing in Slytherin territory? He's mental! Call him Hermione.

HERMIONE  
I can do better than that, you know? I could use a Conjuration spell. _Evoco te in nomine Cho Changis_! 

RON  
Nope, 'tis not working.

HERMIONE  
It should work: Harry's in love. He's annoying enough with his sulks and sighs and what-nots, with his perennial grumpy moods and his refusing to study with the feeble excuse that he can't concentrate because his love is all beautiful and wet…

RON  
 _And if he hear thee, thou wilt anger him._

HERMIONE  
Well, I honestly can't see why. A conjuration in love's name is not insulting in the least, besides if he would come when one calls, we wouldn't need to conjure him like a spirit. Not that you have exactly to _conjure_ a spirit in Hogwarts, you can simply ask a portrait to give a message to one, as one can readily apprehend by reading "Hogwarts, a History"...

RON  
Yesyes. Look, one last try, alright?

HERMIONE  
Oh very well.  
 _O Harry that she were, O that she were  
An open-arse and thou a poperin pear!_

RON  
(scandalised to the core) HERMIONE!

HERMIONE  
Well, what? Harry's so gay I'm sure he'd do his Cho doggy style not to see she has tits.

RON  
(through gritted teeth) Shall we go then?

HERMIONE  
Might as well. _For 'tis in vain  
To seek him here that means not to be found._ (exeunt)

HARRY  
(huffs) _She jests at scars that never felt a wound._

(Draco appears at a balcony magically created by Hogwarts for the occasion)  
 _But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east and Draco is the moon!  
It is my pale boy! Oh, it is my love!  
Oh that he knew he were!_

DRACO  
Ay me! To be so tempted by penguins in the midst of a kiss-at-the-ball scene!

HARRY  
 _He speaks! He speaks of penguins! Woe is me!  
Why must that drattèd boy be fixed on penguins?  
Why can't he sigh and smile and speak of love,  
But harp must he, forever, upon penguins?  
Have penguins red eyes, then, that he desires?  
Wilt he be Voldemort's, one of his marked slaves,  
Yet kiss me and rub nose and make me love?  
Malfoy, Malfoy, wherefore art thou Malfoy?  
Deny thy father and refuse thy name,  
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love  
And I'll no longer be a Gryffindor!_

DRACO  
(furious) THOSE WERE MY LINES!

HARRY  
Oh come on! You can't moan: "Potter, Potter, wherefore art thou Potter" now, can you?

DRACO  
Yeurgh.

HARRY  
Exactly. Now, where was I? Ah yes.  
 _Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven  
Having some business do entreat his eyes  
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.  
What if his eyes were there, they in his head?  
The brightness of his cheeks would shame those stars  
As daylight does a lamp. His eyes in heaven  
Would through the airy region stream so bright  
Penguins would screech and swear it were not night._  
(aside) Yes! Yes yes yes! I managed to put penguins in! (does a little dance)

DRACO  
Ay me! Penguins! AND nice compliments to my eyes. How can I resist?   
_Must I be lost, then, to a Gryffindor?  
But what's a Gryffindor? It is nor hand nor foot,  
Nor arms nor face nor any other part _(leers) _  
Belonging to a man. Oh, be some other name!  
What's in a name? That which we call a penguin  
By any other word would swim as sweet;  
So Potter would, were he not Potter call'd  
Retain that dear perfection which he owes  
Without that title. O Harry, doff thy name  
And for thy name which is no part of thee  
Take all myself._

HARRY  
(fans self) WOW! HOT! Ahem.  
 _I take thee at thy word.  
Call me but love and I'll be new baptis'd._

DRACO  
I thought we wizards were kind of pagans.

HARRY  
MUST thou carp so?

DRACO  
Actually, yes. We're OOC enough as it is. Anyway, this is Slytherin territory: it's dangerous for you here.  
 _If they do see thee, they will murder thee._

HARRY  
 _I have this cloak to hide me from their eyes…_

DRACO  
You have an Invisibility Cloak? Bastard! Where did you found one?

HARRY  
It was my father's before me, and his father's. And his father's father's. And his father's father's father's...

DRACO  
 _Alright, I get it already! Dost thou love me?  
If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.  
Or, if thou think'st I am too quickly won,  
I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay:  
It's what I do best, anyway, be warned._

HARRY  
But…

DRACO  
(hastily) _In truth, fair Gryffindor, I am too fond  
And therefore thou mayst think my 'haviour light,  
But trust me, Harry dear, I'll prove more true  
Than those that have more cunning to be strange._

HARRY  
Actually you're strange and you should be cunning enough, seeing that you're a Slytherin. But let it pass.   
_Draco, by yonder blessed moon I swear…_

DRACO  
 _Oh, do not swear by the moon, the inconstant moon!_

HARRY  
Will you keep interrupting me all the time?

DRACO  
Yes. So?

HARRY  
Just asking. _What shall I swear by?_

DRACO  
 _Do not swear at all.  
Or, if thou must, swear by the beak of penguins  
Which are the gods of my idolatry  
And I'll believe thee._

HARRY  
 _I swear by penguins' beaks…_

DRACO  
 _Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee  
I have no joy of this contract tonight.  
It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden  
Too like the lightning, ugh your scar IS ugly!  
Good night, good night. As sweet repose and rest  
Come to thy heart as that within my breast._

HARRY  
 _Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?_

DRACO  
 _What? Did thou expect to shag me at first sight?_

HARRY  
 _No, but th'exchange of thy love's vow for mine._

DRACO  
Oh, that. I already gave it, didn't I? Art thou so dense, then?

SNAPE  
(calls within) Draco! My dragonfluff!

DRACO  
 _Anon, good Snape! Sweet Gryffindor be true._

SNAPE  
(calls within) Anon me no anons, Draco! Come inside immediately!

DRACO  
 _I'll be in momentarily.  
Three words, dear Harry, and good night indeed.  
If that thy bent of love be honourable  
Thy purpose marriage, as it is decreed  
By fanon law that wizards can get married  
An even beget children, though both men -  
And let me here tell thee with firmest purpose  
I plan to marry, yea, but thou canst whistle  
If thou want'st children, or bear them thee thy self...  
I lost my thread, but send me word tomorrow  
By one that I'll procure to send to thee,  
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite._

SNAPE  
(within) DRACO!

DRACO  
 _I come anon! But if thou meanest not well  
Or thinkst I will get preggers, I beseech thee…_

SNAPE  
(within) DRACO MALFOY! GET THEE HERE AT ONCE!

DRACO  
 _By and by I come! PUT A BLOODY LID ON IT!  
To cease thy strife and leave me to my grief!_  
Salazar, it's impossible to finish a sentence here!  
 _Tomorrow will I send._

HARRY  
 _So thrive my soul!_

DRACO  
 _A thousand times good night._

HARRY  
 _A thousand times the worse to want thy light._

DRACO  
(goes within. Yells offscreen) WHAT THE SODDING HELL DOST THOU WANT NOW!?

HARRY  
Hark to the voice of love! He hast some nice pair of lungs on him, hast my love. Wonder if he's that loud in bed.  
 _Love goes towards love as schoolboys from their books  
Which makes Hermione give them dirty looks._

DRACO  
(comes out again) _Hist, Harry, hist! At what time tomorrow  
Shall I send to thee?_

HARRY  
 _Just after breakfast, but before class time._

DRACO  
 _I will not fail. Goodnight, my love, goodnight._

HARRY  
 _Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow  
That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow._


	4. Chapter 4

**THE GREAT HALL**

The Fat Friar is wondering lost in thoughts, to him Harry.

HARRY  
_Good morrow, father._

FAT FRIAR  
_Benedicite._

HARRY  
Huh?

FAT FRIAR  
Bless you, son. What art thou doing up so early?

HARRY  
Er... I actually...

FAT FRIAR  
_Ah. I was wrong, but now I hit it right  
Our Harry hath not been in bed tonight._

HARRY  
Yep. (sighs happily)

FAT FRIAR  
_God pardon sin! Wast thou with Cho Chang?_

HARRY  
_With Cho Chang? My ghostly father, no._

FAT FRIAR  
_That's my good son. But where hast thou been, then?_

HARRY  
_I have been feasting with mine enemy_  
_When on a sudden a boy hath wounded me_  
_That's by me wounded. Both our remedies_  
_Within thy help and holy penguins lies…_

FAT FRIAR  
Penguins?

HARRY  
Sorry, I had to blab about penguins a fair bit to get that pointy brat to listen to me, but…

FAT FRIAR  
_Pointy brat? Hast thou forgotten Cho so easily?_

HARRY  
Yeah, well, I suppose it was boys all the way even before.  
_But this I pray  
That thou consent to marry us today._

FAT FRIAR  
_Holy Great Merlin! What a change is here!_  
_That Cho Chang that thou dist love so dear_  
_So soon forsaken? Now thou boys dost love?_  
_And art thou changed? Wast thou false before?_  
_Art thou false now? Wilt thou marry a boy?_  
_Wast poor Cho Chang then nothing but a toy?_

HARRY  
WILT THOU STOP WITH ALL OF THIS CHO RUBBISH? She cried at me all the time while my pointy boy sneers, snarks and blabs of penguins. I know true love when I see it. And so do my wobbly bits. Humph.

FAT FRIAR  
*soothing* Tell'st me all, then, young Harry. Come… (exeunt)

Enter Hermione and Ron

HERMIONE  
Were the devil should our Harry be? Came he not in the dorm room tonight?

RON  
Nope. Zabini hath sent a letter.

HERMIONE  
A challenge, on my life.

RON  
Harry will answer it.

HERMIONE  
Alas, poor Harry, he's already dead: stabbed with a she-seeker's black eye, the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind boy's butt-shaft…

RON  
What's with you and arses, 'Mione?

HERMIONE  
Oh God, give me patience! A butt-shaft is an arrow to shoot at targets which art called butts. Nothing to do with arses as such, Ron!

RON  
Oh, sorry. Dost go on, then.

HERMIONE  
And is he a man to encounter Zabini?

RON  
'Course he is! He almost offed Voldemort!

HERMIONE  
Yes, well, but Zabini is a very King o' Cats! Even Crookshanks avoids him like the plague. He's a duellist! _You_ know…

RON  
No, I don't. He's a bloody Death Eater in training, that's what he is!

HERMIONE  
Exactly. He's well versed in the Dark Arts! Ah, the immortal Crucio, the Calcitro Genitalia, the Buggeratus!

RON  
How come you know all those Dark spells?

HERMIONE  
Oh… Ah… I… I study. A lot. Yes, that's it. I study Dark Hexes so we can counter them. Yes.

RON  
Here comes Harry! Here comes Harry!

HERMIONE  
(aside) Whew. And not a second too late. (to Harry) Harry! Were have you been? You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.

RON  
Is the 'feit' a Dark Jinx?

HARRY  
What the…? Oh, never mind. What counterfeit did I give you?

HERMIONE  
The slip, Harry, the slip. Can you not conceive?

HARRY  
Oh God, not you too! What's this sudden fixation on MPREG? I WILL NOT BEAR ANYONE'S CHILDREN! IS THAT CLEAR!?

HERMIONE  
Good heavens, Harry, dost learn to control thy mood swings. I was only punning.

HARRY  
Sorry. I was thinking of something else. Let's pun by all means.

HERMIONE  
On second thoughts let's not. A punning dialogue can be awfully dreary.

HARRY  
And one never gets the point.

HERMIONE  
But we may get points by studying hard.

RON  
There's nothing more hard than studying, good Hermione.

HARRY  
And if we don't there will be points taken.

HERMIONE  
Which will be just as hard to countenance.

RON  
My countenance is hard enough as it is: watch me scowl.

HARRY  
DON'T YOU DARE STEAL MY SCOWLTM RON! MINE IS THE SCOWL OF SUFFERING THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN CONCEIVE OF!

HERMIONE  
Oh thank goodness, now art thou the Harry we know and love! Now art thou what thou art, a grumpy socially impaired hero! Now thou art what thou art by art as well as by Nature…

RON  
Stop there! Stop there!

HARRY  
Thanks, Ron. Sorry about the capslock.

RON  
Oh, well. Thou _art_ Harry, after all.

Enter Snape with his man Peter

SNAPE  
Peter!

PETER  
Anon.

SNAPE  
*glacial* I am getting tired of all this anons.

PETER  
I meant, what can I do for you?

SNAPE  
Better. Give me my Death Eater mask.

HERMIONE  
Good Peter, to hide his face, for his mask is the fairer face.

RON  
*mutters* Greasy-haired git.

SNAPE  
Good ye good morrow, children.

HERMIONE  
Good ye good e'en, fair Professor.

RON  
(aside to Harry) 'Fair'? Ha! Fair to his favourites, she means.

SNAPE  
Is it e'en? Studying has been addling your wits, Miss Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor for not knowing the time.

RON  
(aside to Harry) See? See? Greasy-haired git.

HERMIONE  
But I do know the time, professor. Look, the bawdy hand of time is now upon the prick of noon.

SNAPE  
MISS GRANGER!

HERMIONE  
Everybody underestimates me. I do possess a wit.

SNAPE  
What you do possess, Miss Granger, is a mind like a sewer. Now piss off, the two of you, I need to have a word with Potter.

HARRY  
Go, please, I will follow you.

HERMIONE  
But Harry…!

Ron grabs Hermione and drags her away.

SNAPE  
What's got into Granger, Potter?

HARRY  
No idea. The fact is she doth love to hear herself talk and will speak more in a minute than she will stand to in a month.

SNAPE  
If she speaks anything against me I'll send Gryffindor into negative points. ( to Peter) And you, sirrah, what were you doing standing like a lump when she was coarse at me? And thou must stand by too and suffer every student to use me at her pleasure?

PETER  
I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had, my wand should quickly have been out. But it was a woman, nay a wenchlet that used you thus unkindly and the law will not allow me to hex her.

SNAPE  
Now, afore Merlin I am so vexed that every part of me quivers. Scurvy rat Wormtail! Wait until I tell our Lord you cringed from duty thus! Ahem. (to Harry) Potter, my young dragon bid me enquire you out. But first let me tell ye, if ye should lead him in a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of behaviour, as they say; for the gentleman is young.

HARRY  
Professor, commend me to thy student and godson. I protest unto thee…

SNAPE  
I will tell him as much. Merlin, but he'll have one of his murderous tantrums!

HARRY  
(scared) What wilt thou tell him, Professor? Thou dost not mark me.

SNAPE  
I will tell him, Potter, that you do protest. It will be more than enough.

HARRY  
No, pray! Bid him to come to the Room of Requirement this afternoon and there he'll be married.

SNAPE  
Married, Potter?

HARRY  
Tell him I swear it on penguins.

SNAPE  
Oh, very well, he'll be there. You know, no matter how I exalt the Dark Lord to him, he'd as lief see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger him sometimes and tell him that Voldemort is the properer man, but I warrant you, when I say so he looks as pale as any clout in the versal world...

HARRY  
Huh?

SNAPE  
As any cloth in the universe. What my Draco sees in thee, thou thick-headed buffoon, I'll never understand. But enough of prattling with a prat. He'll be there this afternoon. Peter!

PETER  
Ano… (is stopped by Snape's Glare of CrucioTM) Yes, sir?

SNAPE  
Before, and apace.

They storm out.

**SLYTHERIN DORM**

DRACO  
Why is not Severus back yet? Breakfast hath been over for ages! I am NOT a patient person, he should know this well. Yet he tarries Merlin knows where with that disgusting Wormtail doing Merlin knows what… Ugh, I could have done without that image. Ugh ugh ugh. Ah, here he comes!  
_Severus! Oh honey Severus, what news?  
Hast thou met him? Send that rat away!_

SNAPE  
Sod off, Peter.

Peter sods off.

DRACO  
_Now good sweet Snape… Oh Lord, why look'st thou so sad?_  
_Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily,_  
_If good, thou sham'st the music of sweet news_  
_By playing it to me with so sour a face._

SNAPE  
_I am aweary, give me leave awhile._  
_Fie how my bones ache!_

DRACO  
_I would thou hast my bones and I thy news!_

SNAPE  
_Jesu what haste! Canst thou not stay awhile?_

DRACO  
NO!

SNAPE  
_Lord, how my head aches! What a head have I!_  
_It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces._

DRACO  
That can be arranged.

SNAPE  
_My back, o' the other side… ah, my back, my back!_  
_Beshrew your heart for sending me about_  
_And disrespecting me, see if I tell you aught._

DRACO  
Tell me what Harry said!

SNAPE  
_Your love says, like a honest gentleman,_  
_And a courteous, and a kind, and a handsome,_  
_And I warrant a virtuous…_ Where is your mother?

DRACO  
_'Where is my mother'? Has he gone quite mental?_  
_'Your love says like a honest gentleman_  
_"Where is your mother"!?'_

SNAPE  
_Oh poor Draco dear! Are you so hot?  
Henceforward do your messages yourself._

DRACO  
WHAT THE DEVIL DID HARRY SAY!? STOP TORTURING ME YOU INSUFFERABLE SADIST!

SNAPE  
I am a Death Eater, my poppet. And you forgot the magic word to power the spell.

DRACO(  
(mutters) Insufferably smug sadist… (sighs) Very well. Please, kind Severus, please tell me what my Harry said. PLEASE, ALRIGHT?

SNAPE  
Go to the Room of Requirement. There stays a husband to make you a… another husband, I suppose.

DRACO  
Really?

SNAPE  
He swore on penguins.

DRACO  
Penguins! Oh, then I fly! (impetuously hugs and kisses Snape) Sweet, sweet Severus, farewell! (runs off)

SNAPE  
My poppet is an engaging scamp and that sodding Boy Who Got All The Perks is one lucky bastard. (pause) This OOCness is killing me! Oh my head!

**ROOM OF REQUIREMENT**

HARRY  
(yawns)

FAT FRIAR  
(unheeding) … _Long love doth so.  
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow._

HARRY  
What?

FAT FRIAR  
Oh, never mind.  
_Here comes the young man, oh so light a foot  
Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint…_

HARRY  
Flint? He's STILL here? Will that wretch NEVER finish school?

FAT FRIAR  
I was alluding to the floor, young Harry.

HARRY  
Sorry, I was enraptured by the sight of my pointy love.

DRACO  
_Good even to my ghostly confessor._

FAT FRIAR  
_Harry shall thank thee, my son, for us both._

DRACO  
_As much to him, else is his thanks too much._

HARRY  
_Ah, Draco, if the measure of thy joy_  
_Be heap'd like mine, and that thy skill be more_  
_To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath_  
_The neighbour air and let rich music's tongue_  
_Unfold the imagin'd happiness that both_  
_Receive in either by this dear encounter._

DRACO  
(puzzled) You want me to sing?

HARRY  
Um… no? That was poetic imagery.

DRACO  
(narrows eyes) Art thou implying I can not sing?

HARRY  
I'm sure thou art more melodious than a dying swan.

DRACO  
Alright then.  
_Conceit more rich in matter than in words_  
_Brings of his substance, not of ornament._  
_They are but Weasleys that can count their worth,_  
_But my true love is grown to such excess_  
_It's even richer than all the Malfoy wealth_  
_Which can't be counted in less than a year._  
_My love so far surpasseth all on Earth_  
_That even much-loved penguins will envy thee._

HARRY  
Thou lov'st me more than penguins? Oh Draco!

They snog passionately

FAT FRIAR  
Ahem.  
_Come, come with me and we will make short work_  
_For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone_  
_Till holy magic incorp'rate two in one._

**End of ACT II**


	5. ACT III

**THE ENTRANCE HALL**

RON  
 _I pray thee, good Hermione, let's retire;  
The day is hot, the Slythers are abroad  
And if we meet, we shall not 'scape a brawl  
For now these hot day is the mad blood stirring._

 

HERMIONE  
Thou art like one of those fellows that, when he enters the confines of a classroom, claps me his wand upon the desk and says: "Merlin send me no need of thee!" and then, by the operation of the second point taken, draws upon his classmate when indeed there is no need.

RON  
Am I like such a fellow? Thou mistakest me for the Twins, I'faith!

HERMIONE  
Nay, thou art as hot a Gryff in thy mood as any fellow in Hogwarts. Thou wouldst rather be quarrelling than reading Hogwarts, a History; thou wouldst rather be dodging bludgers than spend time in the Library! And yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling.

RON  
At least I don't scar people for life.

HERMIONE  
What? How durst thee ejaculate such things to me?

RON  
(aside) Were that I could ejaculate more than words into thee! But alas, I must forever be mute. (to Hermione) An I were so apt to quarrel as thou art… By my head, here come the Slytherins!

HERMIONE  
By my sweet Fanny I care not.

Enter Zabini, Parkinson and Bulstrode

BLAISE  
 _Follow me close, for I will speak to them.  
Gryffindors good e'en, a word with one of you._

HERMIONE  
And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something, make it a word and a swish.

BLAISE  
Art thou insinuating I swish?

HERMIONE  
Ay, good King o' Cats, and more than thy wand, I'd wager. Thou art as swishy as a prettily swishing thing.

BLAISE  
(aside to Pansy) Oh that I were not so taken with my purpose and could cut that insolent tongue! (to Hermione) Mudblood, thou consortest with Harry Potter.

RON  
Grrrr…!

HERMIONE  
Consort? What, dost thou make us minstrels? And thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discord! Here's my fiddlestick (produces wand), here that shall make you dance! _Tarantellallegra_! (muttering) Zounds! 'Mudblood'!

Blaise dances gracefully.

RON  
 _We talk here in the public hall of school  
Either withdraw unto some private place  
Or reason coldly of your grievances  
Or else depart. Here all eyes gaze on us._

HERMIONE  
 _Men's eyes were made to look and let them gaze  
I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I._

Enter Harry. Looks in horror at Blaise dancing and performs a quick _Finite_.

BLAISE  
(adjusting robe)  
 _Potter, the love I bear thee can afford  
No better term than this: thou art a villain._

HARRY  
 _O Blaise, the reason that I have to love thee  
Doth much excuse the appertaining rage  
To such a greeting: villain am I none  
Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not._

HERMIONE  
 _Oh, calm, dishonourable, vile submission!  
A swish-and-flick carries it away!  
Zabini, you Mrs Morris, will you walk?_

BLAISE  
What wouldst thou have with me?

HERMIONE  
Good King of Cats nothing but one of your nine lives. Will you pluck your wand out of your sleeve? Make haste, lest mine be about your wobblies ere it be out. (draws)

BLAISE  
I am for you. (draws)

HARRY  
Gentle Hermione, put your wand up!

HERMIONE  
Not on your life, he called me a Mudblood!

HARRY  
Come, Ron, draw and shout Expelliarmus! Hermione, Blaise, for shame, forbear this outrage! Come, Ron! I taught you that spell in the DA!  
 _Blaise, Hermione! The Headmaster expressly hath  
Forbid this bandying in Hogwarts' Hallowed Halls!  
Hold Blaise! Good Hermione!_

HERMIONE  
AAAAAAGH!

PANSY  
Away, Blaise!

Blaise, Pansy and Millicent run away

HERMIONE  
 _I am hurt.  
A plague on both your houses, I am sped!_

RON  
 _What? Art thou hurt?_

HERMIONE  
Art thou an imbecile? Of course I'm hurt! Go, cretin! Fetch Madame Pomfrey!

HARRY  
 _Courage, Witch, the hurt cannot be much._

HERMIONE  
God, but thou art oblivious, Harry! No, 'tis not deep as a well nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave woman. A plague on both your houses! Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm!

HARRY  
I thought it for the best.

HERMIONE  
You thought? Whenever has thou taken a moment to think, Harry? A plague on both houses! A plague on all houses in Hogwarts! Yea, even unto the cannon-fodder house and the impotent house! A PLAGUE ON ALL HOUSES SAYS I! (hexes everything in sight)

Cries and diuerse alarums from several students

RON  
(ducking hexes)  
Sweet Hermione, careful were thou pointest that thing!

HERMIONE  
A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!

RANDOM HUFFLEPUFFS  
AAAAAAAGH!

RANDOM GRYFFINDORS  
GAAAAH!

HARRY  
(ducking hexes)  
Blaise! Thou hast killed Hermione!

BLAISE  
(off stage)  
I WISH I HAD! WHY CAN'T SHE _STAY_ KILLED?

HERMIONE  
And a plague on House Gryffindor! An a plague on House Slytherin! And a plague on House Hufflepuff! And a plague on House Ravenclaw, the stuck-up bastards!

RANDOM RAVENCLAW  
EEEEEEEK!

RANDOM SLYTHERIN  
Alas, for I am dead! Ripped untimely from youth, beauty and the joys of life…

RON  
Slytherins! Bloody drama queens to a man! Die, already!

RANDOM SLYTHERIN  
… all will shed teeeeEEEEAAAAAAGH!

HERMIONE  
At last! AND A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR FILTHY HOUSES! AND A PLAGUE…!

RON  
(ducking hexes like mad)  
MAKE HER STOP! MAKE HER STOP!

HARRY  
(sighs)  
 _Expelliarmus_!

HERMIONE  
GAAAAH!

HARRY  
Take her to Madame Pomfrey, good Ron.

Ron drags Hermione away

HARRY  
 _This gentlewoman, the Headmaster's ally,  
My very friend, hath got this mortal hurt  
In my behalf – my reputation stain'd  
With Blaise's slander – Blaise that just an hour  
Hath been my cousin-in-law. O sweet Draco!  
They beauty hath made me effeminate  
And in my temper soften'd valour's steel.  
I doubt I have enough of valour left  
To do thee justice in the marriage bed!_

RON  
 _Oh Harry, Harry! Sweet Hermione's dead!  
She was so incens'd by Blaise's underarm hit  
She hexéd Pomfrey and so lost her life._

Blaise re-enters carefully. Hearing Ron's lament, he straightens and struts.

HARRY  
 _Yes, well, at least our friend hath stoppéd cursing  
All of fair Hogwarts' Houses with a plague._

RON  
 _She was my secret love! You must avenge  
Her death on that bloody Death-Eater-in-training slimy Slytherin!_

HARRY  
Ron, thy line dost not scan.

RON  
Who the hell cares about scanning! I want blood! Here comes that sodding Zabini back again!

HARRY  
 _Away to Heaven be respective lenity  
And fire-ey'd fury be my conduct now!_

RON  
Ah, now thou art back to thy very self! Kill the bastard!

HARRY  
AVADA KEDAVRA!

BLAISE  
Urgle. (dies)

RON  
 _Harry! Away! Be gone!  
The students are all up and Blaise be slain!_

HARRY  
A little consistency would not be too much to ask, methinks. First thou wantest me to kill the bastard and now must I flee?

RON  
 _Stand not amaz'd, Dumbly will doom thee Azkaban  
If thou art taken. Hence, be gone, away!_

HARRY  
 _Oh, I am Fortune's fool._ (exits)

RON  
(rubbing his hands)  
That's both eliminated from my life, then. Maybe I can get some peace and quiet now. I had it up to here with being nagged to death and treated like some sort of minion. 'Ron So Pathetic'! Ha! That's shown them how pathetic I am!


End file.
